Will I Ever Stop Seeing Myself as “Fat?” by Lindsay Long
I was 14 and the first female wrestler in Delaware. Wrestling is known as the hardest 6 minutes of one’s life. While true, I could now argue that if one does their 6 minute critical power test properly, it ranks up there as well. I was in amazing physical shape and wrestling fostered my already present strong work ethic, physical and mental toughness, and passion for sport. However, coming in at 117lbs, I also needed to cut weight to be in the 112lb weight class. I learned how to starve myself and how to cut water weight by running and sleeping in a trash bag, and spitting in a cup all day. I drew the line at taking laxatives, after all, I wasn’t eating anything anyway. Halfway through the season they add a pound to the weight class and I’d finally be able to eat something
By my 2nd wrestling season, it had become even harder to get to 112lbs. I had gained muscle weight, but, as a 15 year old, I just saw myself as fat. At one tournament, just prior to halfway into the season, I weighed in at 0.3lbs over. I ran for an hour in a hot gym in all my layers. The next weigh-in I was allowed to go into a private room with a female monitor in order to weigh-in naked. I pushed all the air out of my lungs and stepped up. I was still over by 0.1lbs. After weigh-in the team went to McDonald’s. I was so upset I couldn’t even eat. More like, I refused to eat as a means to punish myself. I watched all the guys scarf down their breakfast. My coach pulled me aside and told me I was destined to be fat. This was the day that anorexia for sport turned into anorexia for self-punishment.
This carried on well into my 20’s. I tried so hard to control food because I just wanted to be in control of something. All the reasons I felt I needed to punish or control myself is a blog for another day. In my mid 20’s, I started to run for sport. Along with finding something new to fuel my competitive drive, I was just as excited about finding something that allowed me to eat because I knew I’d burn it off. I eventually added in cycling and then swimming purely because I wanted to do a triathlon. Even though my first triathlon was freezing cold and in the middle of a hurricane, I had fallen in love with the sport. I was also obsessed with getting to what I had determined was my “race weight.” For some reason, I was still wanting to be my high school weight of 117. I settled on 118, allowing myself that extra pound. At my first duathlon national championships I placed 3rd, and I was certain it was because I had gotten to my “ideal race weight.”
As my training and participation continued in multisport, I was bound to gain muscle. Yet, the number on the scale was what mattered and it didn’t differentiate between fat and muscle in my mind. Then, one day, something just clicked. I read an article about fueling your body the right way in order to get it to perform. I suddenly changed my way of thinking about food. It was no longer a reward for training, but, rather, fuel to allow me to train better. I realized I needed to actively work on changing my mindset about food. It took time, but I now no longer have an unhealthy relationship with food, and I eat PLENTY! I’d never be able to train for Ironman and my other crazy endeavors If I didn’t fuel myelf properly.
My body dysmorphia and negative self-image didn’t go away as easily. Will I ever stop seeing myself as “fat?” I no longer let this concept dictate my actions around food, but those self-image issues still linger. I am now turning 40 in a matter of days. I still find myself subconsciously reaching for my waistline to feel for the little pouch that may or may not be there at my lower back above the hips. It seems to be the first place weight will come and go. I no longer get on the scale everyday. In fact, the only time I’ve been on the scale in the last 6 months was for a mandatory Zwift weigh-in after placing 3rd in a race. I have come so far from where I was 20 years ago. I don’t use food as a means of control or self-punishment. I focus on eating healthy and fueling properly for sport and longevity. Perhaps, one day, my mind will follow suit and accept the body it has been given. Or, maybe it won’t? The mind is very powerful. We can allow it to be our downfall, or we can flip the script and harness the power for our benefit. Perhaps that negative voice is always going to be a lingering part of me because it was engrained at a crucial time of growth as a teenager. What’s important, is learning how to make that voice smaller and less powerful. One has to develop enough self-confidence and mental fortitude to override that voice that creeps in. Just like Luca in the Pixar movie “Luca,” he must learn to silence that negative voice in his head he calls Bruno. I have learned to support myself and be happy with myself in so many other ways, that it has become A LOT easier for me to say “Silencio Bruno!” to that ugly negative voice.